People Pleasing: It’s Not You, It’s Me
Why does people-pleasing feel so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time? Why do I feel so guilty when I have to say ‘no’? Why do I let my needs take a back seat? How do I stop doing this!! If it feels like I’m reading your mind (I'm not), then people-pleasing is probably a very familiar concept to you. There is a part of you that just wants others to be happy, but there is another part that is bitter, frustrated, even resentful that others are happy at your expense. Sometimes it can feel as though this make-others-happy-at-all-costs has you gripped and it feels like there is no way out. There IS. Let’s talk about the differences between people-pleasing and selflessness, let’s explore why people-pleasing develops, and let’s understand how to get out of the trap that you might feel like you are in.
I just want you to be happy…Or do I want ‘me’ to be happy?
Being the answer to someone else’s problem can feel great! Being helpful when you have the time, capacity, and resources can actually contribute to better mental, emotional, and social wellness! However, the opposite can be true as well. Trying to be helpful when you are exhausted, depleted, or broke (pardon me, financially insecure), can lead to burn out, resentment towards others, and even health complications.
When you feel the obligation (as opposed to the desire) to be of assistance to others, you might begin doing so at the expense of authenticity. When we operate out of this mindset it actually becomes less about helping the other person and more about a false sense of security in yourself.
Why do I do this to myself?
Oftentimes, people-pleasing behaviors develop from a sense that we are unsafe if others are upset with us. For some, the threat of harm when others are upset has been a reality, and for others the threat of harm is a perception. Either way, it can feel too dangerous to address, so it becomes more comfortable to avoid and appease.
Sometimes people-pleasing is developed within a family system where the expectation is that you deny your needs in support of another’s. Other times, it develops from repeated experiences or one particularly strong experience of either being glorified for being someone else’s “answer,” or rejected for saying ‘no’. Sometimes it is even reinforced within certain cultural norms, and if you go against the grain you are at risk of becoming a cultural humiliation.
Perhaps the idea of confrontation, rejection, disapproval, or disappointment is so rooted in fear that you feel you have no other options. Well, I'm here to say that there can be!
How do I begin to take care of my own needs?
While this avoidance, or fawning, can be (and possibly was) necessary at times, when it becomes a regular pattern that is generalized among interactions with others, it can become problematic. Why? Because it is easy to become bitter towards the people you are ‘helping,’ it causes an unnecessary and often inappropriate reliance on yourself, you feel exhausted, guilty, and even a lack of self worth, and the person who is dismissing your needs the most…is you.
Letting go of other-oriented responsibility: One of the first steps towards walking away from people-pleasing is the recognition that we cannot control or decide how others feel or respond. Yes, our actions can impact others, but they cannot determine what others do. When we let that sink in, we have the option of relieving ourselves of the burden to try to ‘make’ others happy. If this were possible, then all our people-pleasing efforts would be successful and everyone would feel great about themselves…we know this is not the case.
Define your boundaries: Boundaries are the unwritten rules we operate by within our relationships. They are the way others know how to treat us, and how we treat others. Understood properly, the goal of boundaries should be to help your relationships thrive, not to box people out. Having healthy boundaries will allow you to help others when you have the capacity to do so, and to be able to ask for help when you are the one who may need it.
Know Your Worth: People-pleasing can lead us to believe our value comes from what we do, and how others perceive us. These are actually mutually exclusive even though they don’t always feel like it. At Conscious, we believe our value comes from the fact that we are made in the image of God (body, mind, and spirit), intricately created, with completely unique thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. What we do, or do not do cannot change this.
Practice saying ‘not right now’: Saying ‘no’ is uncomfortable for a lot of people, and there can be an art to it to remain socially connected and comfortable. Rather than saying a flat out ‘no,’ you may consider things like: ‘I'm really sorry but I won’t be able to ____ this time,’ or ‘while I'd like to be able to help, I have a lot on my own plate right now.’ Or ‘Let me think about that and get back to you.’ That being said, in some situations, ‘no’ is the most appropriate response.
Communicate your feelings: Your feelings matter too! Other people don’t always know how we are feeling if we don’t tell them. It’s okay to let them know.
You don’t have to give up pleasing people, that is actually a wonderful trait or desire to have, but the constant state of people-pleasing is actually not pleasing for very long. So let’s move towards authenticity, kindness, and self-awareness. Let’s redefine how we want to relate to others, how we want to treat ourselves, and how we can truly be helpful to both ourselves and others.
Seeking professional support with a therapist or counsellor, whether in person or virtually, is a great place to start. We are here for you! Get Connected
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
-Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
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