Being a Parent Now So You Can Be a Friend Later
Some things about parenting are laughable, but parenting is no joke! Caring for a dependent human being that is your sole responsibility is not for the faint of heart. This is coming from a child-psychologist who “knew” all the things I should be doing to raise a successful, happy, functioning little person. Ha! Looking back at what I thought I knew when I first became a parent is quite humbling. Knowing what to do and being able to apply them are indeed two very different beasts! I decided to write this blog post because I can relate to the parents who desperately want to be liked by their kiddos (of course you do!), and who want nothing but to see their happy, smiling faces (who wouldn’t!). We have been set up to feel like this is our primary duty, even if we know otherwise. So when we have to be firm, draw the line, follow through on a consequence, it is easy to walk away feeling guilty, afraid we ‘broke’ our kid, or question ourselves as parents. Now…4 kids in, I see things a little differently, and don’t believe this is how it needs to be.
Reframing discipline (a.k.a teaching)
Discipline has had a bad wrap. It feels like if you discipline your kids you are doing something wrong, but I’m here to say there could be nothing further from the truth! Before continuing I must first preface that discipline is not blaming, shaming, or causing harm in any way. There is no perfect parent out there, and we have all fallen short in some way or another, but if you notice that you struggle with any of these things then it is never too late to reach out for help and start developing some healthier patterns of relating to your kids (no matter what age they are!).
Okay, moving on. The word discipline actually comes from the word disciple, which means a student of a teacher! Yep, you are a teacher! Our job as a parent is to help our kids navigate relationships, life’s challenges, and their own developmental changes. How do we do this? We teach them, we show them through how we navigate these things ourselves, and we correct them when they get off course. When we neglect this very important role of teaching, our kids don’t stop being learners. They continue to learn from other ‘teachers’ around them: friends, the internet, social media, teens and adults they both know and don’t know. When we downplay discipline, we actually miss out on a very instrumental role in our children’s lives, and they miss out on some very important opportunities to develop a sense of safety and security, not to mention life-skills.
Our Consistency is their Safety
It is exhausting dealing with the mis-behaviour of kids. It can often feel like we repeat ourselves thousands of times to no avail. But perhaps this reflects more on us as the parents, than it does our children. I remember my 5 year old saying “why do we have to talk about this again?” after I had repeated myself for what felt like the 50th time. She was right! Why was I repeating myself again? Why wasn’t I doing something about it? When I began attaching a condition attached to the request, things started to click. This is actually quite intuitive to the brain and is how the rest of the world works. If we work, then we get paid. If we take care of our bodies, then they will work. If we put gas in our car, then it will run. This “if, then” dynamic is not a ‘threat’ but a natural order of events. We sometimes have to create these for our little concrete thinkers to help them understand the ‘why’ behind our ask. A key to this being effective, however, is our parental consistency.
What would it be like if your HR department told you you’d be receiving your paycheck at the end of the week, and when the end of the week came you had no paycheck? What if they told you it was an accident, or that they were too tired to do it? Maybe if it only happened once you’d let it slide. But let's say this happened 3, 4, 5 + times. Would you feel like you had job security? Would you feel like you could respect your boss? Would you be motivated to do your best work? Of course not. I think you know where I’m going here. When we are inconsistent with what we tell our children and what we do, they might feel some of those same things - frustration, resentment, anger, disappointment, untrusting, even afraid. On the contrary, when we align our actions and our words we create dependency, trust, and safety.
Friendship will Come Later
When we take our parenting/teaching/corrective responsibilities seriously when our children are young, we actually build trust, confidence, respect, and accountability within our relationship with them - a precursor to developing a healthy friendship with them as adults. Providing consistency, consequences, and discipline (among playfulness, attunement, and care) to our children is one of the best ways we can love them. It can be tough, that’s for sure, but your relationship, and their future, is worth it!
Struggling with parenting your kids? Seeking professional support with a therapist or counsellor, whether in person or virtually, is a great place to start. We are here for you! Get Connected
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
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