Good Grief
Navigating the Complexities of Grief and Understanding How to Grieve Well
Grief. We’ve all experienced it. If you haven’t yet, chances are you will. Grief is universal, and yet it is one of the most complex and challenging emotions to navigate. Grief manifests in a variety of ways and can impact many aspects of our lives. In this post, we’ll take a look at grief from a psychological perspective, exploring what it is and how we can deal with it effectively when it inevitably shows up in our lives.
What is Grief?
What comes to mind when you think of grief? For many, words like “sadness”, “loss”, “depression” and “death” may come to mind. These words can certainly be associated with a process of grief, but as we’ll see in this blog, grief is very multifaceted and can be hard to describe in a few short words. From a psychological perspective, grief can be understood as a person’s response to an experience of loss. This is a pretty broad definition, so let’s start by exploring what grief isn’t.
Grief is not a linear process with a definitive beginning and end; rather, it’s a dynamic and evolving experience that changes and shifts over time. This experience often involves a range of emotions, including ones you might typically associate with loss such as sadness, but often also involves other emotions that may be unexpected: emotions like anger, guilt, disappointment, isolation, regret, confusion, and even apathy. These emotions can come in waves, catching us off guard even when we believe we’ve moved past them. Sound familiar?
Making Sense of Grief: Am I Doing it Wrong?
You may have heard grief described as something that happens in ‘stages”. This idea likely comes from one of the most widely recognized models of grief, which is the Kübler-Ross model. This model outlines five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model was originally designed to address the experience of terminally ill patients, but has become quite popular in the mainstream understanding of grief. While these stages can provide a framework for understanding the grieving process, it’s certainly not comprehensive, and it’s possible that it has led to some misconceptions about grief. For example, some people believe that if they aren’t experiencing the stages in sequence, or if they don’t experience all five stages, they must be “grieving wrong”. It's important to recognize that not everyone will experience them in the same way or in the same order (remember, grief isn’t linear). Some individuals may cycle through the stages multiple times, while others may skip certain stages altogether, and others may experience these stages overlapping and recurring over time. Grief is a highly individualized process, so there is no one “correct” way to do it.
Another common misconception about grief is that there are certain life circumstances that are worthy of a process of grief. Some of the circumstances that are often viewed as “allowed” are things like the death of a family member or friend, the loss of a pet, a tragic situation such as a house burning down, a major car accident, etc. You get the picture. However, grief can show up even without a “major” life event. Grief can show up when dealing with dashed expectations, the loss of a job, leaving an unhealthy relationship, a change in health status, fertility issues, realizing you’re aging, giving up on a dream or goal, the list goes on.
Another misconception is that grief is a purely emotional experience. However, just as there can be unexpected emotions that come with grief, there can also be unexpected physical symptoms. The physical manifestations of grief can vary from person to person, but common symptoms can include fatigue, insomnia, changes in appetite, headaches, muscle tension, and even stomach pain. These physical symptoms can result from the stress and emotional upheaval of grief, as well as from disruptions to your regular patterns of sleep, eating, and exercise.
This Too Shall Pass
So. Now we understand what grief can look and feel like, and the descriptions may seem pretty bleak. The good news? This too shall pass. Just like all of our emotions, the feelings and symptoms associated with grief evolve, change, and move on. There are also things we can do to help us move through the evolutions of grief (also known as coping with grief) in the best way possible.
The first step to grieving well is self-compassion. When we understand that there is no one “correct” way to grieve, or one “allowed” circumstance we’re allowed to mourn, we free up a lot of tension and give ourselves the space to grieve effectively. One framework for understanding how we often cope with grief is the Dual-Process Model, proposed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. This model suggests that we “oscillate” between acknowledging and processing the emotional and physical aspects of grief (experiencing our feelings), and adapting to the practical consequences of the loss (adjusting to the new reality). This oscillation means that we can shift back and forth between feeling like we’re really grieving, and feeling like we’re getting through daily life okay. This can lead to feelings of guilt, so self-compassion is key here. Remember that whatever your experience of grief is, is okay.
Also remember that coping with grief is a highly individualized process, and what works for one person may not work for another. However, there are some other practical steps towards grieving well that many people find helpful during times of loss. These include seeking support from friends and family to help you feel less isolated, engaging in self-care activities such as exercise and meditation, and expressing emotions through creative outlets like art or writing. It's important to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace, without judgment or pressure to "move on'' before you're ready. Grieving well and healing from loss is not about forgetting or "getting over" our losses, but rather finding ways to integrate them into our lives in meaningful ways.
Grief is a natural and inevitable part of the human experience, yet it can feel overwhelming and isolating when we are in the midst of it. Connection, validation, and understanding are some of the most powerful ways to help us heal. If you or someone you know is experiencing grief, reaching out for support is one step you can take towards healing. Remember, you don’t have to navigate the journey of grief alone. If you live in Calgary or the greater Alberta area, book a consultation with us to connect with the team here at Conscious. We are here to support you.
For more information, feel free to visit the resources below:
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/widows-walk/202310/the-dual-process-model-of-grief
About The Author:
Cassia Tayler, Registered Provisional Psychologist
-Cassia enjoys the great outdoors, creativity, the fine arts, music, and working with teens, individuals and couples in identifying barriers to wellness and creating lasting positive change.
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