Dear Diary, I’m a Hot Mess
Cool and Collected Out of Control
Do you ever feel like you might be out of control? One minute you can be doing relatively fine, and the next, you blow your lid! Perhaps this reminds you of one of your kids, a parent or caregiver you grew up with, a friend, a colleague, or even your partner. These emotional mood swings can leave us in tears, lead to angry outbursts, or even emotional shut down - or as some may say, putting up a wall. If you experience this, it can sometimes feel like you are going “crazy,” and can do a number on your self esteem. If you are on the receiving end, it can create distance in your relationships, and may even cause you to doubt yourself. So let’s get a better idea of what’s really going on below the surface.
Emotional Dysregulation
What does it mean to be dysregulated? While emotional dysregulation is often associated with being a problem in childhood, this is actually something that can be experienced throughout the lifespan. We often think of the kids in a classroom setting who cannot sit still, who are “always” getting in trouble, or who are “mean.” Developmentally speaking, children certainly do struggle to know what to do with their emotions. We see this primarily in the toddler years as they begin to strive for autonomy and attain a certain level of competency. However, the skills to both recognize emotions, and learn to navigate them in a socially appropriate way is ongoing. As many of us have experienced, this is not a one and done lesson.
In adolescence and adulthood, there are different circumstances and developmental transitions that arise that challenge our ability to regulate our emotions, or in simpler terms, manage our emotions. In general, we can all tolerate a certain amount of stress before we explode (or for some, implode). Whether in childhood, teenage years, or adulthood, this emotional dysregulation happens when we are outside of what Dr. Dan Siegel called our “window of tolerance.”
Window of Tolerance
We all have a certain degree of capacity to handle stressful situations, or things on our do-to list that absorb our energy. How big or how small that capacity is depends on quite a few factors: developmental stage, social support, stage of life, job demands, personality, trauma history, coping strategies, for example. Therapists call this degree of capacity the “window of tolerance.”
It might help to think about it in terms of a temperature range we find comfortable. If the outside temperature is between 15 and 25 degrees Celsius, I can tolerate a reasonable amount of pressure or stress. If I have to re-tie my shoelace, no big deal. If I have to walk somewhere, I can be comfortable doing so. If I have to stop to turn around because I forgot something, I may be slightly annoyed but I’m not going to lose my cool over it. In this example, I am well within my “window of tolerance”. Meaning, I can tolerate a few added inconveniences.
IF however, the temperature is at freezing point, or above 30 degrees Celsius, those same situations become much more of an inconvenience, and I will likely have a much more difficult time tolerating them. In fact, they may become outside of my tolerance level, leading to me giving up (i.e. walking with an untied shoelace), or getting mad about having to spend the added time to go back to get what I forgot. In this case, I will be outside of what feels tolerable to me.
In essence, our “window of tolerance” is the range we can stay emotionally regulated in. Outside of this range, we either become hyper-aroused (i.e. angry, stressed, anxious), or hypo-aroused (i.e. unmotivated, emotionally shut down). When we are hyper-aroused, we often lash out at others, become defensive, irritable or angry, and can feel very anxious. When we become hypo-aroused, we may be more likely to give up, shut people out, shut our emotions out, and appear that we don’t care. If we remain in this hypo-aroused state for too long, we may even become depressed.
When we are within our “window of tolerance”, we feel and believe we have the capacity to deal with the stressors that come up. We can get along reasonably well with others, we can complete tasks we need to get done, and we have capacity to take on the unexpected without feeling too overwhelmed.
Ways to Expand your Window of Tolerance
Many of us have been told that we need to try and control our emotions if we want to stay regulated. At Conscious, we believe this is an unfair expectation. Afterall, very few of us (if any) actively decide how we want to feel at any given moment. If someone cuts in front of you while in a lineup, you don’t necessarily decide you’re going to be annoyed about that, you just feel annoyed. Feelings just happen. They are information about what is going on inside of us, and around us. So, rather than trying to control them, we think a more reasonable expectation is to manage them.
So what’s the secret to staying within your window of tolerance? Well, you’ve probably heard terms like “self-care,” “coping skills,” and “building capacity.” Learning to stay within, or expand your window of tolerance is all of those things! We’ve created a list of ideas below to help you consider what you may like to try:
Getting more sleep/getting quality sleep
Getting outside, spending time in nature
Eating foods that nourish your body and soul
Drinking water!
Doing activities you enjoy that energize you
Connecting with people who care about you
Exercise (every bit counts!)
Slowing down, if you’re a busy person
Re-prioritizing
Learning how to breathe (breathing intentionally!)
Identifying your triggers (things that set you off)
Asking for help
Making a plan for how to handle difficult situations
When we take good care of our bodies and our minds, we give ourselves the gift of energy; energy that can be used to do other things like check off our to-do list, or handle a stressful situation. When we learn healthy ways to cope, we don’t have to try so hard to figure out how to help ourselves decompress, we may just get in the habit of doing it.
When we give ourselves the gift of time - time to reflect and understand our emotional reactions, or patterns of behavior, we develop a deeper level of self-awareness that can lead to an expanded level of tolerance. This not only helps us, but serves to help those we are in relationship with. If you are someone who has tried these things, but still feel like you are living well beyond your window of tolerance, therapy might be a good option for you - it may be time to partner with a therapist who is trained to help overcome some of the hurdles getting in your way.
For more information, feel free to visit the resources below:
https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/window-of-tolerance/
About The Author:
Chanae Smith, Registered Psychologist
-Chanae is a wife, a mother, and a Registered Psychologist that enjoys traveling, eating good food, learning, and playing. Chanae works with children and adults to form healthier relationships within the context of their homes, schools, personal relationships and even in the wider society.
To find out more about the services Chanae offers, please click on the 'Team” link below: