Let’s Talk Attunement
Tuning In
How would you describe a healthy relationship? For some, words like "romance", "connection", & "respect" come to mind. While these are certainly aspects that are part of a good relationship, there may be an even better word to describe what happens when two people develop a long-lasting, deep, reciprocal relationship: attunement. Attunement is based on the idea that we are able to "tune in" to the emotions, needs, and signals of the people in our lives. Whether we're talking about a romantic relationship, or a relationship with a friend, sibling, parent, or child, attunement is a skill that can transform a relationship from simply coexisting to a more fulfilling and intimate connection where each person feels seen, heard, and valued.
Understanding Attunement
Attunement goes beyond just paying attention to the other person; it involves the ability to empathize and resonate with the emotional state of the other person. It requires an ability to be aware of cues, gestures, and the non-verbal language that is part of every interaction we have with others. When we are attuned to others, it fosters and secure and trusting environment. Consider this in the context of a romantic relationship. If both partners are attuned to each other's verbal and non-verbal cues, it doesn't mean that they'll never argue, but it means that when they argue, there will be space for understanding the other person's perspective, understanding when the other person is overstimulated and needs space, & a coming together to work towards finding a solution to the problem. So how do we cultivate the skill of attunement? Below are a few things to consider.
At the core of attunement is a desire to connect deeply with the other person. If there's no desire, there's often no effort, and tuning into the other person's emotions and cues does take intentionality. According to the Gottman perspective on relationships, based on research and work by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, one way to develop the skill of attunement is to consider the elements of the acronym ATTUNE, which stands for
Awareness
Turning Toward
Tolerance
Understanding
Non-defensive responding
Empathy
The first element, "awareness", describes the knowledge one develops of the other person's feelings, thoughts, and life circumstances. This involves intentionally looking for and considering what is happening for the other person. How might they be feeling? This is where paying attention to verbal and non-verbal cues comes in. Pay attention to subtle shifts in mood, tone, and body-language - these can offer insights into the other person's world.
"Turning-toward" is based on the idea that we can intentionally turn toward others rather than away during moments of connection. This means actively engaging in the other person's efforts to connect, or "bids for connection", which could be through conversation, shared activities, or gestures of affection.
"Tolerance" might sound familiar - it's the idea that relationships require a level of tolerance for differences and disagreements. Instead of avoiding conflicts, this idea encourages us to approach conflict or arguments with openness and a willingness to hear and understand the person's perspective. This can lead toward a healthy resolution of conflict and working towards finding solutions.
"Understanding" involves comprehending how the other person is feeling and showing genuine interest in their inner world. This may involve delaying expressing your own thoughts and feelings until you gain an understanding of what the other person's are. Approaching the other person with curiosity and asking questions, such as "can you help me understand?" and validating their experience, is a good way to develop this skill.
'Non-Defensive Responding" involves the idea that defensiveness interrupts effective communication, so responding to discussions with openness and trying not to deny or counter-attack the other person creates a safe space for connection.
And finally, "empathy". Empathy truly is the heart of attunement. This involves putting yourself in the other person's shoes, desiring to understand their emotions, and responding from a perspective of compassion. This is how you demonstrate to the other person that you understand how they could feel the way they do, through acknowledging their emotions and validating their experiences - even if they feel differently than you do. Empathy helps build a foundation for trust and emotional connection, which can only strengthen your relationship.
Practical ways you can practice attunement:
Be present. Being present in the moment is the first step toward attunement. Put away distractions, focus on the other person, and engage in active listening. Show true interest in what's going on in their inner and outer world.
Communicate openly. Develop an environment of open and honest communication. Create a space where both of you can express yourselves freely, which will deepen your understanding of each other.
Check in. Be intentional about setting aside time to discuss the state of your relationship. This provides an opportunity to talk about any concerns, express your appreciation for the other person, and to make sure that both of you feel seen, heard, and understood.
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About The Author:
Cassia Tayler, Registered Provisional Psychologist
-Cassia enjoys the great outdoors, creativity, the fine arts, music, and working with teens, individuals and couples in identifying barriers to wellness and creating lasting positive change.
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